Live alone woman, find yourself in your solitude

As I mentioned in my earlier post, my biggest regret is that I didn't live on my own in my 20s. I came to Pune for my Masters education and since we were not so great on funds, lived with my sister and her family. Two years later I was graduated and had a good job, which could have allowed me to stay on my own. My sister didn't kick me out of the house and I was so comfortable, I didn't step out. The plus point is that I got to spend a wonderful time with my niece so much so that I tell my husband that she is my first baby and when I have real babies they will have to compete with her - no questions asked! When my baby was two, I got married and went to stay at my husband's place. Now I don't want to live alone.

Call it luck, but when my husband moved to the US, I got a blissful period of two months on my own. When he had gone on business trips earlier, short ones, I used to move my bags to my sister's place. This time, I decided to stay put.

For the first time, I wasn't scared living alone. Except locking my bedroom door, I didn't feel like doing anything else. I didn't leave the lights of the entire house on, neither did I call my husband for all the time that I was alone in the room. Slowly, I started realizing the joys of living on my own.

I must say, living on my own when I was working is no doubt a great comfort than living when you are a student. For the first time, I made impromptu plans with friends, went for drinks, drives, and laughed like crazy. I shopped for my own food, planned my meals, luckily I have an excellent maid, so I didn't have to cook. I started going for exercises in the evening, bought groceries, paid the maid, the bills, met friends for dinner and had a great time.

I also learnt the joy of enjoying in your own house. This was the first time I celebrated New Year's Eve alone, with a drink, made myself some appetizers, ordered my favorite food and watched TV. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I was happy being with just me.

One night I had a solid craving for Fish, if you know me, then you know how strong my cravings are, and they need to be fulfilled as early as possible. I called up a new place, ordered fish, told the chef to customize a dish my way, and asked his recommendation for accompaniments. That was one of the best meals I enjoyed in a long time.

Two months later, my mom joined me and I still had a good time with her. I realized I love to have people around but I am always happy being just by my own. This period of two months was very important for me. It taught me how to be happy on your own. It also made me realize that I was happy because I had a loved one in my life, he was just not in the same space, but he was there and I was going to meet him eventually. I learnt that there's a difference between being lonely and being alone. That's also a reason now I feel every person should try and live alone at least some time in their life. It teaches us so much, in such little time. It makes us realize who we are and what we want. The solitude makes us introspect and resolve a lot of troubled issues.

I still regret not living alone when I was single. 

And then she crossed the line...

I turned 30 this year. 

No, not today. In May. I moved to a new country and for the first time, was alone on my birthday. My husband had to work and since we didn't have a car, I cooked the birthday meal, something which I hate doing on my special day, because we couldn't go out. Before anyone feels sorry for me, let me clarify that my husband made the weekend special for me by taking me out to a sea-facing restaurant, with all my favorite food, and two glasses of my much-loved Red Wine Sangria. The gloom of being alone in a land far far away was too much to make me write until today. 

But this post is not about how I spent my 30th birthday. It's how I feel now that I am no longer in my 20s. 30s is supposed to be when you get wise, you become mature, in most cases, you have children and are too busy to even bother about what's happening around you. For me, 30 is just a number, but a number that kind of rings a bell. There's so much that I haven't done yet and no it's not just about not having kids. 

This birthday was special, as few friends and family reminded me that I am still childless, as if I don't know that. I have crossed THE line. My time is running out, my biological clock is ticking. I know all that. 

For an Indian women, by 30's if you haven't had a child, you are considered a rebel, or worse, you have health issues, which people make it a point to ask and give free advice too. For Indian women, having children is everyone's business. Your mother, your mother-in-law, your friends, your aunts, your neighbors, your distant relatives, your doodhwala, your bhajiwala and so on. Nobody asks you - Do you and your husband want to have children? Are you physically, mentally, and financially capable of taking a responsibility of your lifetime?

This assumption that since I am married for 5 years and now crossed the ripe age of fertility, I should be popping out kids is preposterous. I lament because majority of times, I am the one who goes thru the torment, not my husband. As if his part is so minuscule that it doesn't matter whether he is ready or not. I don't remember his father asking him about his plans to have a baby. Fine, I am a carrier, but isn't his contribution required? The worse part is, it's not even like we don't want a baby, it's just that we want it when we want it, not when the world wants it or because we are crossing an age limit or because our biological clocks are ticking. A point to be taken into consideration - it's only my biological clock ticking, not my husband's. I don't see his mother worried for him. I don't see his brother advising him to make babies. This is the stark difference that's so culturally ingrained in us, that we don't even stop to think as to why only a woman is harassed and I chose the word deliberately, harassed over having a baby.  

Before I am being considered rude for saying things like these, I would like to make it clear that I understand the love and concern of my loved ones. What I fail to understand and maybe make people realize is that life is not a time table. I am a 30 year old woman and if I count the things that I have done, the list of things that I haven't done is bigger. All internet articles tell you to make bucket lists of things that you must do before you are 30. I didn't have a bucket list, neither did I make one after realizing I missed a decade of my youth. What I did do, I am happy with. I didn't travel a lot, I didn't see my own country, I didn't go for treks, I didn't learn Yoga, I didn't live alone (biggest regret of my life), I never actually became independent even though I was earning quite well. 

As I cross the line from the 20s to the 30s, I want my life to be much more than having a baby. I want to be peaceful and happy in my relationship with my husband. I want to spend time decorating my home the way I always wanted. I want to cook and experiment with food to satisfy my palette and make my husband happy with his simple waran bhat. I want to read and write a lot more. I am already working, but I want to pursue a hobby, maybe think of learning a new skill. In my 20's my dream was to spend more time on my writing, learn, read, see new places, talk to people, and have a good time when I reach 30s. That's it, that was my goal - to have a good time and that's what I want to do now that I am 30 - have a good time in my life. Whether I have a baby or not, whether I change my life or not, whether I switch my career or not, all I want to do is have a good time.     

Do not go gentle into that good night

"Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day; 

Rage, rage against the dying of the light..."

Dylan Thomas's Do not go gentle into that good night is one poem I always remember when I think about death. I studied this in my BA time frame and had an amazing poetry teacher. Dylan Thomas is asking his father who is on deathbed, to not go into the silent night without putting up a fight. He says wise men, good men, brave men, wild men, all are aware of the finality of death and yet do not accept it as friend and do not go gently...

The fact that life's going to end some day, does not mean one should resign against death and accept the defeat. This poem is as much about life as about death. No matter who you are and what you have done, it is not befitting for any man to go gently into that good light. 

Here's the rest of the poem:


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas

Butterfly Blue Pea or Gokarna - A miracle in mundane life!

It's not everyday that you find miracles in mundane life.

Everyone knows about the "Gokarna" flower. It grows almost like a wild flower in our gardens. As a child, I have seen it grown among weeds and I always assumed it is a wild flower. Yesterday, on a walk with a friend, we stumbled upon this pretty ink blue flower - Gokarna. But, that's not what I wanted to share.

Gokarna or Butterfly Blue Pea

Since I belong to a generation, which uses Google for searching about every single thing, I googled about this flower and stumbled upon very very interesting things. According to Wikipedia, the scientific name of this flower is Clitoria ternatea. Apparently, it's shaped like a female genitalia, which is another wonder since throughout our childhood we were told it looks like a cow's ear. Cultural differences affect our perception so much! I might have looked at this flower infinite times and yet I was never struck with a similarity with female anatomy :).

The second most interesting thing I learnt is about the edible properties of this flower. Being a foodie, I know about edible zuccini blossoms, or even our local banana flower. Not just can you eat this flower as a snack (fry it), use it as a coloring agent, but the most common uses of Butterfly Blue Pea is to make tea.

Butterfly blue pea flowers are infused in hot water and you can drink this blue tea. There are surprising benefits of this cute little flower. It's good for your eye sight, good for healthy skin, memory boosting, and contains antioxidants which curb the harmful effects of free radicals. I won't go into a list of its benefits as this is not a medical post. You can read more about the benefits here.

Someone's rightly said, several small joys give infinite pleasure than one big happy event. Stumbling upon this creeper, taking its seeds home to sow, reading about its shape and connotations, reading about its medicinal value, edible value, and so on were all small moments of happiness for me. I have memories of morning walks with my grandmom and collecting flowers on our way. The bright blue color was always a favorite.

Now, I am waiting for the plant to grow and infuse its happiness in a blue tea :).

I am so happy I found something that gave me happiness on so many levels!